Snow White and the Huntsman is a stultifying bore of a film. Dramatically inert, dismally acted. There are a ton of characters in this story – none of which supply a reason to give a care. Let’s start with our main character Snow White. As played by Kristen Stewart she registers zero warmth, zero passion, and zero charisma. And isn’t Snow White supposed to be the fairest of them all? Apparently the costume designer forgot to read the tale. Stewart looks absolutely filthy throughout the entire movie. Hair is oily, dirty fingernails, clothes caked in dirt. “Arise, ye wretched of the earth and take a bath!” I kept hoping someone would say. She barely speaks and when she does it’s always a quiet depressed murmur like she‘s been called on in a classroom to discuss a book she forgot to read. She’s like a robot, devoid of emotion. Without a lead character we can champion, we’re left with the supporting parts. Contributing to the proceedings most is Charlize Theron as the wicked queen. At first her melodramatic stares and self serious intonations seem like silly fun. But her performance gradually deteriorates into camp. It’s a subtle progression until one particularly awkward scene of screaming. When the queen’s brother accidentally allows Snow White to escape her dungeon, Theron’s histrionic fit that follows is a laughably theatrical display. Oh what Faye Dunaway could have done with this part! Chris Hemsworth is adequate but forgettable. Sadly, each of the dwarfs are portrayed by tall actors that are CGIed into looking like dwarfs. That’s regrettable. It might have made sense to forgo actual little people if the actors chosen had given engaging performances. They don’t – dreary and drab, every last one of them. I couldn’t tell you anything that would separate one dwarf from the other. I couldn’t tell you what their names were. Did they even have names? One dies I think.
It’s not a complete waste. There are some visual moments that are beautiful examples of CGI. But they’re so memorably stunning they become almost ridiculous in their excess. The evil queen is covered in silky white milk when she arises out of a rejuvenating bath, a knight thrusts a sword at the queen and she turns into a flock of black birds, crystal shards of black glass arrange themselves into fighting warriors then shatter into a million pieces. Incredible displays of technology, they literally beg the viewer, “Pay no attention to the script, look at these outrageous special effects!” They’re like glittering diamonds that might accentuate a diadem later revealed to be made of papier-mâché upon closer inspection.
Snow White and the Huntsman fails in virtually every way possible for a movie to fail. The screenwriters have decided to once again mangle the source material a la Mirror Mirror in foolish ways. But Mirror Mirror was a splendid joy compared to this dreck. There’s nothing presented here to engage the emotions. Snow White never even falls in love with anyone. There is no Prince Charming! There is no love story! What about the person who frees Snow White from the wicked queen’s spell? He leaves right after kissing her so he’s oblivious to what his contact has accomplished. But before that important act, he gives a lengthy speech that is mind numbingly dull. Just kiss her already! You’d think that was the end, but the action continues to limp along, piling on more plot. By the end the spectator is so dissatisfied you may not realize that Snow White has actually morphed into Joan of Arc as she leads her countrymen into battle. But by then we’ve ceased to care. The film is one long 127 minute debilitating yawn. It’s a poisonous curse more poisonous than any apple could ever be.
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