If for nothing else, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is wonderful for finally putting to rest the ongoing speculation as to whether making 3 movies was a cash grab. It most certainly was. This series has always been marred by a ridiculously extended narrative. The original book by JRR Tolkien was 310 pages and meant for children. The filmed adaptation by Peter Jackson runs 474 minutes in its entirety. That’s almost 8 hours folks. My patience has worn out. Simply put, the third installment is an aesthetically pleasing but tedious bore.
Our story commences with Smaug the dragon. He assaults the city of Lake-town by setting fire to it, destroying everything. Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) faces off against the beast with his arrows. What happens next doesn’t put an end to the troubles of Bilbo and the dwarves. In fact it brings more enmity, not closure. It’s interesting to note that Bilbo (Martin Freeman) doesn’t even register as the star of the movie that bears his name. Instead most of the plot concerns the spiritual quest of Thorin, the dwarf leader played by Richard Armitage. Given his portrayal here, you’ll forget that he was once a good guy. Driven solely by greed, he’s an insufferable presence.
This sleep inducing chronicle encourages a lot of reflection during its 144 minute slog. The fighting is monotonous. All of it repetitive. The battle is drawn out for no other purpose than to render 72 pages into a feature length work. Although it gave me time to make some random observations. What to make of that title? As near as I can figure it, the five armies comprise of (1) Goblins & Wargs, (2) the Men of Dale, (3) Elves, (4) Dwarves and (5) Eagles. Wait what? Eagles?! I’m sorry but a group of gliding birds does not constitute an army. I don’t care how big they are. Actor Ryan Gage is dreary comic relief as Alfrid Lickspittle, a citizen of Lake-town whose chief skill is disguising himself as a woman to save his own skin. When he cries out “Won’t somebody please think of the children?” All I heard was Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the Reverend on The Simpsons. How about some more déjà vu line readings? A CGI display has Galadriel holding up her hand to banish evil spirit Sauron. But hold the Arkenstone! Did I hear Galadriel dismiss Sauron with a “Begone! You have no power here!”? Wasn’t that Glinda’s line from The Wizard of Oz? Maybe she should’ve just dropped a house on him and been done with it.
The Hobbit as a adaptation simply does not have a narrative rich enough to sustain this bloated, distended bore. The chronicle is not deep nor meaningful nor even well-executed, with one exception. At least there is a definitive conclusion. That’s something that couldn’t be said of the previous two parts. Cheers for that. But the paper-thin plot is stretched out beyond all common sense. Director Peter Jackson continues to add his own characters and subplots to the detriment of Tolkien’s “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” novel. Jackson’s re-imagining has no focus. Smaug’s attack upon Lake-town, which opens part 3, is one of the better sequences as far as this prequel franchise is concerned. It captivated me. But it’s really the only thing that did. The climatic fight, which is supposed to be the centerpiece, goes on forever – interminable. It’s more Game of Thrones than Tolkien anyway. The material is there. Somewhere buried under all of this exposition is an entertaining adventure, which prompts my suggestion: Could someone please take these three Hobbit movies and just edit them into one enjoyable 2 hour film? Thanks in advance.
12-21-14
I confess. It has been a long time since I truly felt pure joy in a Tim Burton film. Big Eyes is the real deal. It has wit, charm and a lighthearted touch. Perhaps that is somehow fitting because the tale concerns the profile of an artist. Burton – a longtime Keane collector – highlights the life of a personality that for a brief moment, occupied the attention of popular culture.
A humble baker (James Corden) and his wife (Emily Blunt) have longed to have a child. Apparently their neighbor, an ugly old witch (Meryl Streep), placed a curse on his house when the baker’s father was caught stealing from the old hag. The witch is willing to reverse the spell. But only because she wants to be beautiful again. She cannot touch the objects she needs to accomplish this task and so she delegates securing the artifacts to the couple. The witch requires (1) a cow as white as milk, (2) a cape as red as blood, (3) hair as yellow as corn and (4) a slipper as pure as gold. Anyone familiar with fairy tales will recognize these items. Writer James Lapine has interpolated the stories of Jack (Daniel Huttlestone) & the Beanstalk, Little Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford), Rapunzel (MacKenzie Mauzy) and Cinderella (Anna Kendrick) in an altogether new take on traditional fables.
Dear reader, please forgive my opening tangent. On November 9, 2014, Utah wide receiver Kaelin Clay ran the field for a 78-yard touchdown pass, then celebrated his win. Only to find he had prematurely dropped the ball on the 1 yard line. Realizing this, Oregon’s Joe Walker of the opposing team, recovered the ball and ran it back in the other direction for a 99-yard touchdown for Oregon. Joy turned to heartbreak is kind of how I felt watching The Imitation Game. The drama is largely a captivating tale that culminates in such an odd way. The denouement rendered a seemingly easy victory into a crushing disappointment.
Drama based on the life of World War II American prisoner of war survivor, Louis Zamperini. Actress Angelina Jolie directs her 2nd feature based on the best selling biography of the same name by Laura Hillenbrand. Jolie pulls out all the stops in this gorgeously produced biopic in the classic Hollywood tradition. There’s stunning cinematography courtesy of Roger Deakins. A beautiful score by Alexandre Desplat. And let’s not forget the script. Unbroken features a screenplay attributed to no less than four writers(!): Joel & Ethan Cohen, Richard LaGravenese and William Nicholson. Every single one a heavyweight in Hollywood. This is a stately, beautifully photographed, well acted spectacle.
Fast Film Reviews 