I suppose when you go see a feature length film based on a cheesy 90s TV series, you get what you deserve. Somehow I thought a winking comedy based on that type of material had potential. Baywatch was an hour-long action drama that relied heavily on lots of pretty people in bathing suits, running in slow motion. It was canceled after only 1 season on NBC but was brought back in 1991 to the first-run syndication where it went on to become hugely successful, particularly in the international market. Its charms were admittedly mostly visual but let’s acknowledge the fact that it ran for 11 seasons. That’s nothing to scoff at.
This re-imagining takes its cues from the school of manipulating something sincere and poking fun at it. So if you’re looking for a reverent homage, keep swimming. It’s like The Brady Bunch Movie in that respect. However, the adaptation assays the R-rated direction of the 21 Jump Street movie. I dare say Baywatch is even less sacred than either of those properties. The original source is ripe for a spoof. The series took itself way too seriously, so the idea of transforming the show into a self-aware caricature actually appealed to me on some level.
Baywatch the movie lacks the integrity of the TV show. That’s really saying something. I’m not saying the series was artistically pure. It was a frivolous action drama, but at least it had a sense of purpose. The movie version is completely empty headed. There are occasional laughs, but the screenplay relies far too heavily on f-bombs and penis jokes. That’s not a substitute for a good parody. Credit for the screenplay goes to Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, two scribes more known for horror projects [Freddy vs. Jason (2003), Friday the 13th (2009]. Baywatch is just one long meandering and haphazard trudge through witless humor. One extended sequence involves a poor schmuck (Jon Bass) who gets his manhood caught in a beach chair. Another involves Zac Efron’s character when he must examine a naked corpse. It’s even worse than you think. The skit makes the previous mangled crotch gag seem highbrow by comparison. I haven’t seen all of Efron’s films, but I’m still willing to bet it’s a career low for the young actor.
Despite the markedly different tone, this production still attempts to recreate the cast of the original series. Dwayne Johnson is Mitch Buchannon, the David Hasselhoff role. I suspect the writers just assumed Johnson’s affable charisma would somehow compensate for the script’s failings. He tries really hard. His second in command is Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera) – Alexandra Paul in the TV show. There’s also CJ Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), a portrayal made famous by Pamela Anderson, but she is surprisingly relegated to a bit part. The film’s arch villainess is a diva in heels, resort owner Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra). She’s as bland as she is beautiful.
A subplot involves the upcoming tryouts held in order to hire 3 new lifeguards. First, we have nerdy Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass), a comic relief with no direct counterpart in the TV program, Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario ) a part originally portrayed by Nicole Eggert, and arrogant recruit Matt Brody (Zac Efron), a disgraced Olympic swimmer hired as a public relations move. David Charvet was his TV equivalent. Although Charvet was never the main focus of the show, Efron dominates the proceedings here. Johnson is clearly the star, but Efron is a close second. They have some funny moments but even their considerable chemistry together can’t salvage this soggy script.
Baywatch wants to make you laugh, but the script is detrimentally focused on other things. Instead of just lampooning the job of being a lifeguard, the story spends an inordinate amount of time on an insipid plot involving drug trafficking. You see the ongoing joke is that these beach attendants are more focused on the duties of a cop than as the protectors of the beach. Investigating crime is a big part of this film. It’s too serious when it should have been absurd. Baywatch had promise. The comedy initially gets off to an inspired start when Mitch Buchannon rescues a man who has injured himself while parasailing. The scene is shot in slow motion and ends with dolphins jumping out of the water as if to celebrate Mitch’s heroic save. I wish for more of that buoyant energy. Instead we’re given a bloated corruption tale that is just too freaking long. If ever there was a mindless comedy that demanded a brief 90 minute run time, this is it. The screenplay has barely enough grins to be a 1-hour episode of the TV show. Unfortunately, it’s a 2-hour movie.
05-25-17
Fast Film Reviews 
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