Rating 3/10
I trust my instincts about what releases to avoid. So when a new Anaconda dropped on Christmas (of all days) in 2025, everything in me said: ” You can skip this one.” The reviews weren’t great, but it became a modest hit. So when it slithered onto Netflix three months later, on March 25, I thought, ok fine. I’ll take the bait.
We’re living in an era overrun with sequels, remakes, reboots, prequels, and spin-offs, and sadly, this is another piece of joyless IP management from a studio. In this case, Sony Pictures Entertainment. It is best described as a meta-reboot of the 1997 cult monster flick, but with a twist. Here, this ragtag crew of friends is living in a world where that cult movie actually exists; they share a love for it and ultimately decide to remake it. The premise has real promise, but director Tom Gormican (The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent) and co-writer Kevin Etten have no idea what to do with it.
The original Anaconda isn’t a classic because it’s good. It endures because it’s so spectacularly misguided that it becomes laughably enjoyable. It’s deadly serious in all the wrong ways, which adds to the fun. (Pair it with Congo, another 90s “gem” for a perfect double feature.) This new version makes the fatal mistake of trying too desperately hard to be funny. It fails at nearly every turn.
The account follows a cohort of childhood friends at a crossroads in their unfulfilling lives. They impulsively decide to remake the beloved 1997 favorite of their youth. Filmmaker Doug (Jack Black), now a disillusioned wedding videographer, jumps at the chance when his best friend Griff (Paul Rudd), a struggling actor, claims he’s secured the rights. They’re joined by their burnout buddy Kenny (Steve Zahn) and recently divorced Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and head to the Amazon to shoot on a shoestring budget. Along the way, they cross paths with the mysterious Ana (Daniela Melchior), a woman who may not be all that she seems. Also, they meet snake handler Santiago (Selton Mello), who brings along his tame pet, Heitor, for their project. Naturally, things spiral into chaos, involving mostly human threats. Eventually, a much larger, deadly anaconda makes an appearance.
The first 45 minutes are… tolerable. Not good, but watchable. Then there are 54 more minutes in which the story wears out its welcome and becomes excruciating to sit through. It piles on subplots, twists, and “gotcha” moments to distract from what they should be doing. There’s shockingly little snake action in a movie called Anaconda. When the big bad finally shows up, it’s underwhelming and saddled with subpar CGI.
Comedy is notoriously subjective. I often repeat this cliche in my reviews for bad comedies. But even by that generous standard, this picture is stultifyingly devoid of laughs. There is, to be fair, at least one joke that got a positive reaction from me. Early on, Griff digs up a videotape of a film the team made in school called The Quatch. The crude creature feature is wall-to-wall profanity… except every single word has been bleeped out by their teacher. The result is completely unintelligible. It plays like a sly jab at Hollywood’s dependence on swearing as a substitute for actual humor. For a brief moment, the script seems self-aware. And then it immediately abandons that idea and drowns itself in the very thing it just mocked.
Jack Black pulls out his full-volume, sound-effects-laden schtick, as he is prone to do. My tolerance for it is gone at this point. Minecraft was (close to) the worst film I saw in 2025. This doesn’t quite sink to those depths, but it’s putting in serious work. Many gags are so painfully unfunny that they induce secondhand embarrassment. Watching Steve Zahn pee on Jack Black to treat a snake bite is the level we’re working with here. Worse is a flat conversation where Griff and company debate whether Claire should headbutt the villain in their film. The conversation is aggressively banal, with the word “headbutt” repeated ad nauseam. Ana sits there, visibly bored out of her mind, and I have never felt more seen.
In the end, the only real signs of life come from the cameos. (Spoiler alert, but a harmless one.) The screenplay saves a genuine moment of humor for a surprise appearance by Jennifer Lopez, while an earlier pop-in from Ice Cube sets up a callback that actually pays off. I did chuckle in the final moments. Still, one brief spark of wit doesn’t revive a film this lifeless. This Anaconda slithers a lot, but it never strikes.
03-29-26