Haunted Mansion

Haunted Mansion is not good. This is, in fact, the second theatrical adaptation of the iconic dark ride at Disneyland. I’d like to call for a moratorium on all future adaptations based on their theme park rides. The original 2003 Pirates of the Caribbean (The Curse of the Black Pearl) was indeed enjoyable. But does anyone remember Jungle Cruise or Tomorrowland? Their newest commodity is a PG-13-rated horror flick inexplicably released in July. The now classic Hocus Pocus was a flop in 1993 for the same reason. The latest effort from director Justin Simien (Dear White People, Bad Hair) is far more expensive, costing $158 million (not including marketing and advertising costs). It earned a mere $31 million during its first week of domestic release. Dear Walt Disney Pictures, what are you thinking?

Haunted Mansion is a shockingly depressing, low-energy comedic horror movie boasting an ensemble that has exhibited greatness in the past. Stars LaKeith Stanfield (Judas and the Black Messiah), Tiffany Haddish (Girls Trip), Owen Wilson (The Royal Tenenbaums), Danny DeVito (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), and Jamie Lee Curtis (Everything Everywhere All at Once) are capable of impressive work. The disparity in quality between their best efforts and the current release that unites them all is vast.

The plot is simple. A woman (Rosario Dawson) and her son (Chase W. Dillon) enlist a motley crew of spiritual experts to help rid their home of supernatural squatters. That’s from the official synopsis. If only the actual script by Katie Dippold (Ghostbusters reboot (2006)) were that succinct. There’s so much uninteresting nonsense injected into this dismal slog.

It begins when the wife (Charity Jordan) of Ben Matthias (LaKeith Stanfield), a withdrawn astrophysicist, dies. His profound grief causes him to quit and take over her paranormal tour guide business. That sorrowful aura lingers throughout the entire production. Ben Matthias may be one sad individual, but everyone is muted. Owen Wilson as Father Kent, the priest; Tiffany Haddish as Harriet, the psychic; and Danny DeVito as Professor Bruce Davis, the college historian, are dull versions of their typical personas. Ok, Danny DeVito tries hard doing his animated schtick. It doesn’t help.

The actors occasionally register flickers of life, but they struggle to be noticed in a cast that is positively overflowing with personalities. Recent Oscar winner Jaime Lee Curtis appears as a disembodied head inside a misty crystal ball. Jared Leto, also an Oscar winner, is not seen but heard as a motion-capture CGI creation called the Hatbox Ghost. Their characters make some impression. Meanwhile, Jo Koy, Marilu Henner, Hasan Minhaj, Daniel Levy, and Winona Ryder also pop up briefly. Each personality gets around 30 seconds of screen time. Their blink-and-you’ll-miss-them appearances serve no purpose other than to satisfy some unnecessary requirement of forcing another celebrity to advertise this concoction. Their introduction adds little interest to the story. My question after every cameo “Why are they in this movie?”

Haunted Mansion is a problematic excuse to present references and advertisements masquerading as jokes to justify what looks like a film. Witness the hitchhiking ghosts, the floating candelabra, the stretching room, and a round-chapped chair that falls backward out the door. Those are the high points. Aficionados of the ride will appreciate the Easter eggs. Cute, but marble busts that move and paintings of pistol wedding combatants are not enough to sustain a narrative undone by a screenplay of flimsy gags deader than the ghouls that populate this picture. This is an unfocused and convoluted mishmash.

Nevertheless, I was able to discern a bit of fun. Ultimately, I appreciated this account as a fabrication designed to hawk dozens of products. Ninety minutes would have been enough, but this endurance test is stretched over two hours. I enjoyed counting all the name-checked companies: CVS, Yankee Candle, Baskin-Robbins, Zillow, Amazon, Burger King, U-Haul, Costco, and more! Haunted Mansion is terrible, yet I don’t hold its existence against anyone who made it. I totally get what attracted the filmmakers and this talented company of actors to create this disjointed mess. Gwen Guthrie sang it best in 1986, “Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ On but the Rent.”

07-20-23